Have You Found A Home
by AelinGreywaren
Summary: Set in the aftermath of the remaining survivors of the 47 escaping Mount Weather. Bellamy, the kids, and the Grounders return, but coming home isn't what any of them were expecting. (Warning - Chapter 5 contains a major character death).
1. Chapter 1

_Are you lost in paradise, my love or have you found a home?_

Everything around him was chaos. The grounder army and his people had finally managed to escape Mount Weather, but not without a cost. There were casualties on all sides, blood spilled, lives lost, and wounds not even time would heal. However, despite everything the survivors had finally reached Tondc, but it wasn't long before hysteria exploded.

The groups had decided to stop here instead of going all the way back to Camp Jaha directly. After all it was closer and Indra had informed them that a medical station had been set up to properly transport any injured "sky people" back home from there.

Bellamy hadn't even had time to process who from the Ark had survived the battle, he had been too busy helping carry an injured Harper, who after being shot by Cage was a miracle to even be alive. From time to time he would look behind him trying to catch a glimpse of blonde hair, but she was nowhere in sight. He tried not to let himself be too worried, after all knowing Clarke she was probably tending to the wounded herself.

Despite the throngs of people Bellamy quickly found Sinclair who was handling the injured Ark patients. They gently set Harper down on one of the stretchers and Bellamy was finally able to look up and scan the area. If there was anywhere he expected to find Clarke it would have been here at the med station, but it was just Sinclair and a few others.

"Sinclair do you need me for anything here?"

The man smiled and stretched out a hand and patted Bellamy on the shoulder "You've done more than enough Bellamy. It's time for you to go home." He took that as a dismissal, turned around and raced out to find his sister. And to find Clarke.

Bellamy searched in a panic amongst the crowd for a familiar face, but there was none to be found. As he walked through the masses he could see reunions in his peripheral all around, Indra embracing a grounder prisoner, fathers proudly holding their sons, and siblings, against all odds, finally brought together again.

However, in the midst of the joy there was irreparable pain and he was unable to block out the agonizing sobs of those mourning for the lives and loves they had lost. His heart clenched at the thought that he could soon be one of them - the pain of not knowing if she was alive almost too much to bear.

His only relief was knowing that at least Octavia was alive. He'd spoken to Raven over the radio hours ago, letting him know that the Grounders were coming and that the fight would soon begin. There hadn't been much time, but Bellamy had simply asked "Octavia?" and Raven had let him know she was in Tondc. Apparently she had been instructed along with a group of other grounders to stay with those injured by the missile. At least he had this one sliver of peace, knowing his sister was safe, but the alarms sounded before he could ask about Clarke. He could only hope the same was true for her, but Bellamy knew his princess and there was no way she was staying out of this fight.

"Bellamy!", he heard his name shouted. Turning immediately he saw Lincoln running towards him. It was hard to think that there had been a time when he'd wanted this guy dead, and now he didn't think he'd ever been happier to see the bastard.

"Lincoln!", the man approached him now more hesitantly than before, clearly unsure of how to handle the situation. After all the last time the two had seen each other Lincoln had betrayed him, but that was neither here nor there for the time being. Right now he had to find Clarke.

"Lincoln we can talk about what happened in the tunnels later, but right now I need you to tell me where the hell is Clarke? And where is my sister? Raven told me she was here?".

Lincoln looked him straight in the eye with a pitying expression, "Bellamy I'm sorry she's not here."

"Who isn't?" Bellamy asked confused and exasperated, "Octavia or Clarke?"

"Both of them."

Bellamy reached forward and grabbed him by his gear, "Don't pull any of this bullshit on me Lincoln. I talked to Raven, she told me Octavia was in Tondc - Don't tell me I've been lied to again! And I saw Lexa, and Indra - I know Clarke wouldn't miss a chance to fight the Mountain Men, so tell me right now where they are!"

Lincoln tore himself from Bellamy's grasp, "They were only trying to protect you Bellamy, you couldn't be distracted - that only would have gotten you killed."

Bellamy pulled at his hair in frustration. He was sick and tired of being lied to and being protected, the only thing lies had brought him thus far was pain. "Lincoln you tell me right this second what happened to Clarke and my sister or I swear the only one here who is going to be worried about getting killed will be you."

"Octavia is with Clarke back at Camp Jaha."

Bellamy let out a sigh of relief. They were together. They were at camp. This was ok, they were ok. "Thank God, why didn't you - "

"Let me finish Bellamy. Clarke and Octavia were on their way to Mount Weather to fight with us. To get everyone out. We knew what we were up against. We were expecting the acid fog, and the reapers. What we weren't expecting was the fact that Mount Weather had snipers in position miles before we even reached the entrance."

Bellamy stared him down, "What. Happened."

"They shot Clarke. After that everyone panicked, but Lexa told us we had to keep moving. Clarke wanted to go on, but she was too weak and losing so much blood so Octavia and one of our men took her back to your camp. I'm sorry Bellamy. I wish I knew if she was alive."

After the word "shot" everything else had been a blur. He tried, but couldn't even process anything else that Lincoln was saying. She couldn't be dead, Bellamy refused to even entertain the thought. He wanted to collapse, he wanted to sleep, and he wanted this to all just be a nightmare.

But this was Earth, and if he had learned anything from his time down here it was that reality was worse than any nightmare, and there would be no waking up from it. This was not the time to break down and he would be damned if after everything that they had been through Bellamy let this be the end of their story.

"I have to go, I have to see them. Now." He turned on his heel and was ready to start running when Lincoln grabbed him by the arm.

"Wait, I'm going with you. And I think we'll be better off taking the horses. No offense, but I'd rather not have to explain to Octavia that you passed out from exhaustion trying to walk all the way."

Bellamy simply nodded and followed Lincoln to the horses. They mounted and as soon as he sat down on the horse Bellamy felt his head spin, the exhaustion and hunger beginning to set in. He leaned back and steadied himself, turning his head to Lincoln who raised his eyebrows and questioned, "Ready?" He nodded.

"Good. Now come on, let's get back to our people."

Bellamy mimicked Lincoln's movements and the horse sprung to life beneath him. This time as they passed the crowds he didn't notice the reunions. He didn't notice the sobs. The only thing consuming Bellamy's mind was her. He was finally going home.

**A/N :** So this is just a story that popped into my head while I was listening to the song Indigo Eyes by Roo Panes. So many of the lyrics remind me of Bellarke, but the idea of "home" is what resonated with me most. This is my first time writing a multi chapter story, and I don't know if it turned out how I was expecting, but we'll see how it goes. Any reviews or feedback are much appreciated :)

No characters are mine, they all belong to the CW.


	2. Chapter 2

_It's an awful lonely road to walk alone_

The past few hours had been the slowest of Octavia's life. So much had happened since they left for Tondc. Hours ago she had expected to be storming Mount Weather, killing the sons of bitches that had dared to touch her friends. That's what Indra had trained her for, that's what she was ready to do. And yet here she was - back at Camp Jaha, sitting on the floor of the mechanic's station with Raven and Wick in silence, her head in her hands as they waited for the news if Clarke Griffin was alive or dead.

From the moment Clarke had been shot, anxiety and stress had gripped her and refused to let go. Every step of the way back to camp, she felt the metaphorical weight on her shoulders growing heavier and heavier, and she feared it would soon crush her completely. It felt as if every second she was holding her breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Waiting for Clarke's body to go limp in her arms. Waiting for news that Lincoln, Bellamy, Jasper, Monty and everyone else hadn't made it out alive. Waiting for the moment when she would know that everyone she ever loved was dead and she would be alone, trapped under the floor boards again - only this time there would be no getting out.

It wasn't until they had reached the gates and Clarke was transferred from her to Abby's arms that Octavia felt the smallest ounce of relief. The pain in her chest lessening slightly, the breaths starting to come easier. But she knew they weren't out of the woods yet. No matter how good of a surgeon Abby was, Clarke had been shot hours ago and had lost more blood than Octavia thought possible for a human body to hold. Saving her was going to take a miracle. But hell if anyone was deserving of a miracle it was Clarke Griffin.

After she left Clarke with Abby, Octavia raced into the Ark where Raven and Wick were pacing back and fourth, their faces contorted with anxiety that mirrored Octavia's own. Raven looked up at her shocked.

"Octavia, what are you doing here? I thought you were staying with Indra and the Grounders headed for Mount Weather?" She and Wick stepped closer to her, and at sight of the blood on her gear, Raven's face went pale.

"Who?" she asked.

Octavia took a deep breath and sighed, trying to dispel any of the shakiness from her voice.

"It's Clarke. One of the Mountain bastards shot her when we were still miles from the entrance. We didn't have a choice - I had to bring her back. Abby's with her now."

Raven placed a hand on her shoulder, "Is she.." Raven looked up at the ceiling, closing her eyes for a moment before continuing, "Is she going to be ok?"

"I wish I knew Raven. It's bad - I've never seen so much blood before, not even when Finn was attacked by Lincoln."

At the mention of Finn's name, Octavia noticed Raven's body tense. She scolded herself for being so careless with his name and quickly decided to change the topic. "Have you heard from Bellamy?"

Wick answered this time, "Not since we walked him through disabling the acid fog. But he better call in soon or else.."

At that moment the three turned their heads towards the static and crackling coming from the radio.

"Camp Jaha, this is Bellamy, can you read me?"

Octavia felt tears begin to well up in her eyes at the sound of her brother's voice. He was safe, for now. She could only hope that he would stay that way.

Raven moved towards the table to answer, but Octavia grabbed her arm first.

"Raven wait, you can't tell him that I'm here. You can't tell him what happened to Clarke."

"Octavia we've already lied to him before, he deserves to know!"

"He can't take this Raven. I don't know what's going on between Clarke and my brother, but I know they need each other. And him knowing she's miles away dying isn't going to help anybody. Clarke wouldn't want him distracted." Octavia choked back tears, her voice sounding more panicked than she'd intended, "Bellamy's the key to everything.", she repeated the words Clarke had spoken to her only days ago, "We can't risk losing him. Just tell him that the Grounders are on their way and he better be ready to fight."

Raven nodded and picked up the radio, "Bellamy, it's Raven. Is everything in place?"

"Everything is ready on our end. I've disabled the acid fog and the Grounders here are in position."

"Good. There probably isn't much time left. Lexa and the others have already left Tondc and should be at Mount Weather soon. It's almost over Bellamy."

Octavia could hear her brother breathe a sigh of relief, "Let's hope so… Raven wait before you go…. Octavia?"

Raven looked from the radio at Octavia, her eyebrows raised. "Well, what do I tell him?"

"Just tell him I stayed at Tondc, I don't need him worrying about me along with everything else."

Raven sent her a pitying glance before continuing, "She's at Tondc. The Grounders needed her there after the missile. There's a lot of carnage, but Octavia's taking care of them."

Before Bellamy had a chance to respond, they heard the alarms coming through the radio. Her brother disconnected, and the three were left in silence.

Raven sighed, "Well that's it then. I guess now all we can do is wait."

* * *

And that's how Octavia had ended up here. Sitting on the floor doing what she absolutely loathed most, waiting. Raven continued pacing back and forth and Wick was fiddling with a scrap of metal that he kept flicking around. Octavia swore if she heard the incessant noise one more time, she was going to flick him right in the head with it.

Sitting here, she couldn't control her wandering thoughts. She'd spent more than half of her life waiting. Lying beneath the floor boards waiting to see the light again. So much had changed since those days and she wasn't naive Octavia anymore, but sitting here, waiting for her brother to come home, she couldn't help but feel helpless and scared again.

Wick flicked the metal again, and Octavia was about to jump across the room to let him have it when Tiok, the Grounder who had helped her bring back Clarke entered the room. She stood up immediately, "What is it, Tiok?"

"Lincoln and the sky person he calls your brother have returned."

"Thank you", she said, and then ran out of the room. She saw Lincoln first with Bellamy not far behind, the two walking with their horses and talking heatedly with the guards.

"Lincoln! Bellamy!" she yelled out.

Lincoln reached her first, the two crashing into each other with a force that threatened to knock them both off their feet. She wrapped her arms around his neck desperately. Even though it had only been hours since she'd seen him last, the relief at holding him safe in her arms finally made her tears spill over. "Thank God." she whispered into his neck, "Thank God you're home."

He pulled her face from his neck and cradled it between his hands, "I'll always return to you, Octavia, always." She met his lips and poured all the love she had for him into that kiss.

She disentangled herself from Lincoln's arms when she noticed Bellamy in her periphery. His hands were running through his hair and he was averting his gaze from the sight before him.

"Hey big brother", she said opening her arms to him.

He engulfed her in a hug and spun her around like he used to do when they were little kids, "Good to see you, O." he smiled, but Octavia could see that it didn't reach his eyes.

Her brother kept darting his gaze back and forth, searching the surroundings. His face looked weary, almost like he'd aged ten years since she'd seen him last. Mount Weather had changed him, there was no denying that, and she knew that the worry lines etched into his face were for Clarke.

He looked back at Octavia and the look in his eyes broke her heart. "O, is she?"

"She's still alive, Bell. Abby has her in medical. They're doing everything they can."

She felt Lincoln reach down and squeeze her hand hard, grounding her in a way she never knew she needed.

"Go, Bell, it's ok. Go find Clarke."

Octavia barely registered the way Bellamy's shoulders tensed upon hearing Clarke's name because within a second he was gone, racing past them towards the Ark. Octavia breathed in as much air as her lungs could hold and let it all out as she leaned her head against Lincoln's warm chest, his arm wrapping around her shoulders, bringing her closer to him.

She felt his voice vibrate through his chest as he leaned down and asked, "Do you think she's going to live?"

Octavia closed her eyes, "I don't know, Lincoln. I don't know. But for everyone's sake I hope she does. For my brother's sake."

He pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. "Come on, let's go see how she's doing."

She left the warmth of his arms and laced her hand with his. The two walked back towards the Ark where they would wait for news, however long it took. She hated waiting, but now, with Lincoln at her side, she felt comfort in knowing she wouldn't be in the dark.

She wouldn't be alone.

**A/N : **I'd originally planned on making this chapter a Bellamy POV, but lately Octavia has been becoming one of my favourite characters on the show and I wanted to get inside her head for a while - hopefully I did her justice. I also wanted to say a big thank you to everyone leaving reviews, they all brought a smile to my face and definitely motivate me to keep going! Again I'm not sure this is the direction I'd originally intended when I first started writing this story, but let me know what you think. And don't worry, the Bellarke is coming guys :)

And again none of the characters are my own (except for Tiok... not sure if that's an acceptable Grounder name, but oh well), they all belong to the CW.


	3. Chapter 3

_God knows I've travelled far, so far. But this is where it ends._

Bellamy's legs couldn't get him inside the Ark fast enough. He raced through the mass of guards and council members crowding the halls; from what he gathered, it seemed like they were discussing where the Mount Weather survivors would be situated. They probably hadn't been counting on getting any of them out in the first place. One of the men reached out and grabbed Bellamy by the shoulder, "Blake, we have some things that need to be discussed about Mount Weather. Your intel from the inside is most valuable to us. Do you have a moment?"

Bellamy shook the man's hand off more violently than was probably necessary, but screw it. He had more important things to deal with, and he wasn't about to become their puppet now.

"No sir, I don't."

The man's brow furrowed in offense, so Bellamy muttered a barely comprehensible "sorry", as he left the disgruntled man in his wake and hurried off to medical.

There were a thousand thoughts running through his mind, and they all revolved around Clarke. _Clarke_. When did her name start to have such an effect on him? Step by step, he could feel his hands becoming more clammy, the knot in his stomach growing and churning inside him. Bellamy wasn't the kind of guy to go faint at the sight of blood, hell, he'd seen a lot of it in his lifetime and had his own share on his hands. And yet, he felt nauseous at the thought of Clarke lying vulnerable on that table, her body exposed, the life draining out of it.

Thankfully he was distracted from the image when he heard shouts coming from further down the hall, getting louder as he got closer and closer. He turned the corner expecting to walk into the medical station, but instead he was met with a mass of people whom a desperate looking Jackson was trying to control.

"I'm sorry, I can't let anyone past these doors, we're over capacity. Unless you have a hole in you or are dying from the bubonic plague, I can't let you through!"

Bellamy pushed through the crowd, recognizing them now as his friends. This must have been the group that had come straight to Camp, those that hadn't sustained injuries warranting immediate medical attention. For a second, he was confused as to what they were all doing here, but he quickly came to his senses. They were here for the same reason as him - to see Clarke. Of course they were.

A couple of the survivors that made it back had been fortunate enough to reunite with a family member, but the rest of them weren't so lucky. Most of the kids that had made it back here were orphaned, just like they had been when the drop ship first landed. But they were all apart of a new family now, and at the head of that family there was only one person. Clarke.

He made his way to the front of the crowd where Monty was, or at least was trying to, hold Jasper back who looked like he was ready to come at Jackson with an axe.

"Jackson, what's going on? How's Clarke?"

Jackson let out a sigh and ran a hand through his hair. He had probably been asked this question a thousand times by this point, but Bellamy didn't care. He had to know.

"Bellamy, I'm sorry, I know just as much as you all do. Dr. Griffin has been working on Clarke ever since Octavia brought her in. She's in a fragile state right now, just like everyone else that's injured in there. The last thing we need is a horde of loud kids distracting everyone."

Bellamy gritted his teeth at that line. '_Kids_', he scoffed. Jackson made it sound like they were no more than toddlers, a nuisance to everyone around them. When were these people finally going to realize that these "kids" had been through more than any one person deserved to endure within a lifetime? They were adults now, but that didn't mean they didn't have a right to be scared or emotional, and he would be damned if he let his people be treated like nothing.

"Jackson, look I understand and they don't want to cause any problems. Please just promise me you'll keep them updated?" Bellamy swallowed and continued more desperately than before, "Clarke is their person, she means everything to them. They have to know if she's ok."

At this point Jackson quirked his eyebrow, sensing that Bellamy was no longer talking for the others, but for himself.

"Fine, I'll keep you all posted, as long as they pipe the hell down!", Jackson said, raising his voice at the final words to get the attention of the others. Satisfied with the effect that had, he turned to go back through the doors. Bellamy started to follow him, but the man stopped him by putting a hand on his chest.

"Sorry Blake, when I said no one goes in …that applies to you too."

Bellamy felt his hands instinctively form into fists. He couldn't keep his own temper down this time, "Are you fucking kidding me? I'm her…", but he was at a loss for words. Bellamy didn't know what he was to Clarke. There was a moment before he left when he thought... well he didn't know what he thought. And before he knew it Finn was dead and he was off to fight a war and there had been no time to process whatever it was he'd been feeling before. No matter what had happened though, they sure as hell were something.

Jackson stared at him with an amused look; one that Bellamy would relish wiping off of his smug face. "Watch yourself, Bellamy.", the man said before closing the doors and leaving them on the other side.

"Jackass", Bellamy muttered beneath his breath, unclenching his fists and taking in a deep breath.

"Tell me about it, God I could just _punch_ something!", Jasper said. For a second, Bellamy had forgotten he was there. He smirked at the fact that Jasper of all people was the one ready to get in a fight when only a couple months ago, Bellamy would have been the one with his fists at the ready. It wasn't funny, not really, but laughing about it was easier than processing the undeniable truth that the war had changed them all. And there would be no going back to the beginning, no more "whatever the hell we want". But he wasn't that person anymore, he hadn't been for a while, and he no longer wanted to be.

He patted Jasper on the back, "Alright Achilles rein it in, no use wasting all your energy. We might as well sit down and wait."

He walked ahead looking around for a free spot to sit against the wall while behind him he heard Jasper whisper to Monty, "who the hell is Achilles?"

* * *

Bellamy saw Octavia and Lincoln huddled together in a corner, his sister's head resting on the Grounder's chest, finally getting some well deserved rest. His heart swelled with pride knowing that she'd become so strong, not just physically, but emotionally as well. He couldn't imagine how exhausted she was. He didn't even know the last time she'd slept. Come to think of it he couldn't remember the last time he'd slept either.

He found an empty spot next to Raven, who was whispering quietly with Wick. He sat down next to her, with Jasper and Monty finding places opposite them. At the sight of him Raven wrapped her arms around his neck. "Oh, Bellamy, thank God. I would've been so pissed if you'd gotten yourself killed."

He wrapped a hand around her back, "Now what kind of inside man would I have been if I let myself get killed on the job?", he said in a weak attempt to lighten the mood.

Somewhere in the insanity of the past few weeks, Raven had become someone Bellamy considered a friend, and, despite all the pain he was feeling right now, he couldn't help but feel relieved to be around her again.

They pulled apart, the look on Raven's face morphing from relief to pity within the blink of an eye. Too many people had been giving him that look lately.

She stared down at the ground awkwardly, "Look Bellamy, I'm sorry that we lied to you."

His heart clenched at the memory of betrayal that was still fresh in his mind. "Which time?", he asked pinning her with his gaze and trying to remove any trace of emotion from his voice.

Raven winced, and he felt immediately guilty. "Both", she continued, "About the missile and about Clarke, but it was the only way to keep you safe."

Bellamy leaned his head against the wall and let out a sigh, "I understand Raven, and I forgive you, I do. You were just the messenger. I know your intentions were good."

She placed a hand on his knee, "Clarke's intentions were good too… you know that right?"

Again, he couldn't stop the involuntary tension that ran through his body at the sound of her name. Ever since they escaped Mount Weather, all Bellamy had been thinking of was seeing Clarke again, seeing her alive. However, he hadn't had time to process the conflicting emotions he was feeling towards her. She'd let him be sacrificed as an inside man, and then she'd let hundreds of innocent people, including his sister, be sacrificed to keep him safe. What the hell was he supposed to make of that? He wanted to forgive her, but more than that, he just wanted to_ understand_.

The more Bellamy thought about it, the more his mind hurt trying to work out the thoughts that could have been going through her head. However, he couldn't, not on his own anyway. But that was his princess: confusing, intense and downright terrifying.

He realized he hadn't responded to Raven, and she was staring at him with a concerned expression in her eyes.

"I don't doubt they were, Raven, but you know what they say about good intentions."

He looked down expecting to see understanding pass over her features, but all he saw was confusion. He turned his head and saw that same confused expression mirrored in Monty and Jasper.

He breathed out and continued more grimly than before, reflecting on his own past intentions, "The road to hell is paved with them."

Shooting Jaha. Punishing Atom. Tossing the radio. Everything he'd done was to protect his only family, a noble intention to be sure. But looking at the consequences, the blood he'd spilled and the lives he'd ended, Bellamy couldn't help but wonder where that left him.

His thoughts were disrupted by a bellowing laugh coming from the other side of Raven. Everyone turned to stare at the man with baffled expressions. Wick was holding a hand to his mouth trying to stifle the sounds coming from it, "I'm sorry, Blake, I mean no disrespect."

Bellamy couldn't help but feel shaken by it nonetheless, his demeanor instinctively becoming more defensive. "Out of curiosity Wick what exactly about that do you find funny?"

Wick let out a final laugh before sighing.

"Man... if the path to hell is paved with good intentions, or whatever it is that you said. Well then, we're all already fucked."

The group existed in silence for a moment before it was broken by Jasper. "I could drink to that."

They all stared at each other before breaking into laughter that bordered on hysterical. The sound of their laughs woke Octavia, who stared at them like they were insane. They probably looked insane. Hell, Bellamy felt insane. This whole fucking situation was insane. He was the one that had been drained for his blood, sneaking through vents in Mount Weather, dodging death at every corner, and yet Clarke was the one dying a few meters away.

Life was cruel, Bellamy thought. Finn had killed Grounders to save Clarke, and Clarke had killed Grounders to save him. Now they both could end up dead. What a fucking ironic twist of fate. And if Bellamy let himself think about it for one second more, he was sure the laughter would turn to sobs he'd never be able to stop.

However, the laughing ceased the moment Indra and several other Grounders walked into the hall with Lexa at their head.

'What the hell?', Bellamy thought at the same time that Jasper said, "Holy hell, now _who_ is that?".

Octavia had already gotten up and was now standing next to Indra. Any traces of exhaustion that had been on her face earlier were gone as she stepped into the position of a second.

Bellamy followed his sister's lead, getting on his feet and facing Indra and Lexa. "Commander. Indra. If you're here to pester Clarke about any more battles you're planning against the man, you better come back another time."

He saw and heard Lexa smirk. The two hadn't interacted much, but he definitely hadn't pegged her for someone with a sense of humor.

"I'm not here for Clarke. I'm here for you, Bellamy of the Sky People. Now come."

Bellamy took a step back, crossing his arms defensively. He had just gotten back, and there was no way in hell he was leaving now. There could be news about Clarke any second.

"And why in the hell would I do that?"

Indra stepped forward hissing at him, "Watch it boy. Is that how you speak to your own Commander?"

Bellamy smiled before he could stop himself, knowing that she was referring to Clarke and knowing that yes, in fact it was exactly how he'd spoken to her for most of their relationship.

"Yes, it is actually. There a problem with that?"

Indra glared at him and for a moment he thought she was going to cut him through with her sword, but Lexa put a hand on her shoulder.

"Peace, Indra. You are just like Clarke, Bellamy. Fierce. Passionate. You should be careful... emotions are a dangerous thing."

At this Bellamy narrowed his eyes, "What is it you want from me Commander?"

"To talk. You and I have much to discuss."

Bellamy scoffed, "Talk. Right. How do I know that's what's really going on here." They might be allied with the Grounders now, but that didn't mean he was ready to trust them. That was Clarke's job.

Lexa stepped forward out from Indra's side. God, she was small compared to him, Bellamy thought. But impressive. Powerful. Just like Clarke.

"Do you trust me, Bellamy Blake?"

He hesitated, "I.. I don't know."

Lexa raised her head and fixed him with her stare and asked again, "Do you trust Clarke?"

For this Bellamy had no hesitation. Despite everything they'd been through, the lies, the betrayals, there was always going to be only one answer, "Yes."

Bellamy saw something flash in Lexa's eyes. Understanding? Sadness? He couldn't put a name to it, he was having a hard time thinking too hard about any of this.

"Then come with me."

Bellamy looked past Lexa at Octavia who simply nodded at him. He stared back down at Raven who said, "You should go. We'll stay here and wait. Trust me, we'll call you if anything changes."

He took one glance back across his shoulder at the doors to the medical bay, the doors that lead to Clarke. He didn't know what was happening behind them, but at least Bellamy knew that she was alive for now. He couldn't help but be jolted back to the memory of the last time he thought he'd lost her. After she'd closed to drop ship doors.

Even despite all the evidence to the contrary, something within Bellamy had told him she was alive then, just as something was telling him she was still alive now. He'd know if she was dead, he just would.

He took another look back and saw the doors finally disappear as he rounded the corner. They'd found a way back to each other once before. Bellamy knew they'd find a way again. They had to. So he let himself be lead from the hall, following Lexa, with Indra and Octavia in tow. He felt the knot in his stomach growing again, but he had to brace himself for the conversation to come. He was going to get some answers and finally find out the truth.

What he didn't know was whether or not he was ready for it.

* * *

**A/N :** So here's chapter 3 and we're back to Bellamy's POV. I tried to keep his reactions as in character as I could, trying to balance the "I'm gonna knock you out" Bellamy with the more level headed leader/father figure he's becoming. This chapter was surprisingly really fun to write - I wanted to infuse a bit of humor and lightness to it because let's face it, this easily could have gotten real dark, real fast. Think of it as the calm before the storm… because there's definitely some heavier themes to come in the next couple chapters. Let me know what you all thought :) And to everyone who has read or commented so far, thanks! I'll try to keep the updates coming soon, but things might start slowing down as school starts piling up over this next week, so bear with me!

None of the characters are my own, they all belong to the CW.


	4. Chapter 4

_Everyone knew that your gaze was my home_

Bellamy followed Lexa out past the gates of Camp, where she instructed Octavia and Indra to wait for them there. The two walked in silence for a few more minutes before finally coming to a stop. He hadn't been registering what direction they had been going - his mind was still somewhere else, but upon stopping he looked around and there was no mistaking where they were. The place where Finn had died. So much had changed since that night that it was hard to think his death had been just over a week ago. Bellamy felt himself cringe at the memory.

Bellamy snapped his head towards the Commander, "We couldn't have had this conversation elsewhere?"

Lexa simply stared at him with passive eyes, "I didn't bring you here for sentimentality, Bellamy."

"Then why?"

"Our political alliance is in a delicate state. My people have always felt a certain.. apprehension towards the Sky People. However, you all fought valiantly with us against Mount Weather. We will not forget that, but I fear this peace is now at risk."

Bellamy raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms over his chest, "You're choosing now to talk politics? We just came out of a war where, unless I'm mistaken, we were on the same side. What's changing now?"

Bellamy swore he could see the hardness in Lexa's gaze soften momentarily before she continued, "I think you know exactly what's about to change, you just have yet to accept it."

His head scrunched in confusion before realizing what it was that Lexa was insinuating.

"No." he said through gritted teeth. "No, if you're implying that Clarke's as good as dead then you clearly don't know the princess. She's strong enough to fight this," his voice dropping into a whisper, "she has to be."

"This is not something that can be stopped, Bellamy. You cannot protect her from this."

He could feel himself deflating. Whatever bravado he had been able to maintain in front of the others, shattering to pieces. He looked away from Lexa and turned towards Camp and whispered in desperation, "I have to."

Lexa took a step closer to him. "You care for her."

Bellamy closed his eyes and bowed his head. He had never said it out loud before, but there was no denying the truth that Clarke Griffin was more than just his ally, she had been for while. "Of course I do. She's.. I wouldn't be here because of her, none of us would be. We... _I_... can't live without her."

"But you must. And you will."

He shut his eyes trying to block everything out. He didn't want to hear this. He wasn't ready to lose her, he never would be. Bellamy's fists clenched at his side as he felt his anger boiling within him again as he whipped back around to face her, not knowing if he'd be able to stop himself from wringing the Commander's neck.

"Shut up! God, would you just shut up! She's not dead yet! Stop acting like she is!"

Lexa did not move back, but stood her ground, seemingly unaffected by his outburst.

"You can cry, you can scream, you can rip the world to shreds Bellamy Blake, but death doesn't care about your pain. It doesn't care about your heart. No good can come from such emotion. It is weakness, and the only way to stop it is to not let it within you in the first place."

"What is?"

"Love."

Bellamy let his hands relax and his shoulders droop, bowing his head to the ground.

"What do you want from me?"

Lexa turned her head around to face the Camp, "Do you know that Clarke offered to sacrifice herself in the place of Finn? Pay the price for his crimes?"

His head snapped up, his mouth forming a circle in sheer disbelief, "What?" If he'd known that he never have let her go down there in the first place. Not like he'd be able to stop her, but he wouldn't have let her do it without a fight. The fact that she'd done something like that without telling him brought fresh pain to his already bruised heart.

"But I didn't accept of course. That would have been a waste… in Clarke I saw potential. In Finn there was only weakness. He took the lives of innocents in the name of love, and only gave himself up when the people he loved were threatened again. Such sacrifice is not bravery, it is cowardice."

Bellamy frowned, "And you still let him die? Even if it made him a coward."

"Yes. Blood must have blood."

"Alright enough, I've heard this all before. You still haven't answered my damn question. What do you want from me?"

Lexa pinned him under her gaze, "I want to know if you hold that same potential."

"What do you mean?"

"I thought that Clarke held the same weaknesses as Finn, but in the end, I see I was wrong. She was stronger than I thought your people could be. She knew what sacrifices needed to be made, what being a leader required of her. I want to know if you can be strong too. This alliance will not hold in the hands of someone weak."

In that moment a memory flooded Bellamy's brain. A single sentence that had torn him to shreds.

_I was being weak._

He hadn't understood it at the time, but everything was all of a sudden making sense… the change he'd felt in the air around her, the emptiness in her gaze he'd never seen before. The pieces were falling into place: her sending him away, the missile, the retaliation against Mount Weather. Oh Clarke what did you do?

Before he had a chance to respond, he heard shouts in the distance. Octavia was bounding down the path towards them. By the time she reached them she was panting and out of breath. Bellamy reached out his hand to steady her.

"Octavia, what is it? Is it Clarke, is she… is she?"

In his peripheral he saw Lexa's shoulders tense as she leaned in closer to hear what his sister had to say. Her eyes widening with an anxiety that mirrored his own. So much for not caring. The Commander could talk a big game, but somehow a part of him knew it was just that, a show. He knew a defense mechanism when he saw one… after all he'd been using the same one for most of his life.

"I don't know Bell, all I know is Abby came out and asked for you. You should get back... now." With that Octavia turned and ran back towards Camp. Bellamy was poised to follow, but there was something he needed to do first.

He didn't want the responsibility of holding an alliance, fragile to begin with, in the palm of his hand. His job had been to get his people out of Mount Weather, and now that was done. Hell, he wasn't a leader. He'd tried doing things on his own and look where that had gotten them - Wells and Charlotte both dead, because of him. The 100 hadn't become a functioning group until he and Clarke had come together, protecting their people side by side.

He'd never doubted that Clarke was far better suited to the position of a leader than him, and it was because her heart contained every part that was missing within his own. Mercy. Goodness. Compassion. And little by little, those parts within her had started to fill him up too, and before he knew it he didn't see himself as a monster anymore. All he saw himself as was _hers_. He wasn't ready to do this alone, but he was not going to let everything that Clarke had done be for nothing. He wouldn't let her sacrificing her humanity be in vain.

"I'll do it."

Lexa crossed her arms, "Thank you Bellamy, but I must say I am surprised I -"

"Let me finish. I'll do this, but I'm not doing this for you. Or for your people. I'm doing this for mine. For my family, for Clarke. I will stop at nothing to protect them, and when it comes down to me sacrificing myself for the people I love, you can bet your life that I will do it in a second. And no matter what you say that does not make me a coward. Love does not make my people weak. It makes us strong."

He was about to leave her standing there with a shocked expression on her face when he stopped himself.

"I think we can agree that this conversation won't mean anything when Clarke lives. Which she will."

Lexa averted her gaze, clearly not believing his words.

He threw his hands up in frustration, "Why? Why do you refuse to have faith?"

The Commander's voice had lowered to just above a whisper. "Because of what we've done. What we've all done. This victory came at a cost, resting on the back of an impossible sacrifice. Blood was spilled, lives were lost, and Clarke and I were the hands that took them."

_The missile._

"One of us must pay the price." She faced him straight on now, and for a moment Bellamy could have sworn he saw pain in her eyes, but it was gone before he could be sure it was even there in the first place.

"Blood must have blood."

* * *

Bellamy's mind was reeling from the bizarre conversation he'd just had. He had been expecting to find answers, but now he was left feeling more confused than ever. However, thoughts of political alliances and missiles disappeared the moment he stepped through the med station doors.

The medical wing on the Ark was flooded with patients. He'd thought there'd been chaos outside, but things were just as bad in here. A part of him couldn't blame Jackson for not letting more people in. All around him beds were occupied by injured, and not only their people, but Grounders as well. He could see Jackson hovering in a corner tending to a wounded Grounder woman, while Nyko was hunched over, working on Fox.

It struck Bellamy how none of this would have been possible without Clarke - she was the reason for this. The reason that, at least for the time being, the two groups were living and working side by side - as equals. They had come so far from that day on the bridge, and he couldn't help from shuddering at the thought of what would happen if this alliance dissolved. Without Clarke this apparently would all rest on him, and seeing these people, he felt that responsibility weighing down on his shoulders more than it had before.

He's eyes were torn form the wounded when Abby Griffin strode up next to him. Bellamy had never seen another human being look more exhausted in his life. Her eyes looked as if they'd sunken inwards, her skin pale and resembling a corpse. The sweat pooled from her forehead and she reached up with her arm to wipe it, leaving a faint trace of blood behind.

This was the moment Bellamy had been dreading, and he almost couldn't bring himself to ask the question.

"Abby _please_… just tell me."

His heart was beating faster and faster, so loud that he was certain the Doctor and everyone else in the room could hear it. _Please, please, please_ he thought, over and over again. Abby reached out and placed a steadying hand on his forearm,

"She's alright Bellamy."

The swell of relief he felt was enough to knock him off his feet. In that moment he felt the weight that had been crushing his chest ever since Tondc finally ease. He couldn't stop the tears from welling in his eyes and his shoulders and hands beginning to shake uncontrollably. He leaned against the supply table next to him, balancing his weight on it, and using his other hand to wipe the wetness off of his face.

"Thank God, oh thank God. Abby, thank you." He had never felt any form of positive emotion towards Clarke's mother, but in that moment he had never been more grateful that she had made it down to Earth.

"She's not out of the woods yet, but I was able to extract the bullets. There was so..so much damage, but luckily the bullet just managed to scrape p..past her h..heart." He could hear the quakes in Abby's voice. He had no idea how she'd been able to pull this off - he knew that if it had been Octavia lying on the table before him, he would never have been able to keep himself together.

"Can I see her?"

At this Abby cracked a ghost of a smile, "Yes, that's why I called you here. These next 24 hours are critical, and if I could I'd stay by her side every second, but as you can see, there's more to be done here." Even after being in surgery trying to save her own daughter for hours Abby was still not finished - she would keep going until she'd helped everyone else lying on the sickbeds. The strength of the Griffin women always managed to take him aback as he remembered that day on the drop ship when Clarke, herself sick and feverish, had still put everyone else above her own health.

"Bellamy, I won't lie to you… Clarke's injuries were extensive" Her eyes began to fill with tears, "There's a chance she won't wake up. But I would feel better knowing that she has you at her side if… _when_ she does. I don't want my daughter to be alone."

Bellamy straightened himself and nodded, "Of course."

Abby led him past more beds until they reached a curtained off area. Behind it were three more beds. On one lay a Grounder, every inch of their body bandaged other than one eye that was swollen shut. Bellamy felt his stomach lurch - this must have been one of the victims of the missile. Across from the Grounder lay an unconscious Kane, and finally, at the end, was Clarke.

At the sight of her, Bellamy felt the air leave his chest. He didn't know what he had been expecting, but it had not been this. She was unrecognizable. Every trace of colour gone from her features except for the purple rings surrounding her eyes. The quintessential flashes of red on her cheeks that appeared whenever she was yelling at someone, usually him, were nowhere to be seen. Every part of her was whiter than a ghost, and if it hadn't been for the barely perceptible rise and fall of her chest, Bellamy wouldn't believe that she was breathing at all.

The Ark hadn't come down with hospital gowns so she was still wearing the clothes she had been when she was shot. Her entire shirt was stained with blood and it was cut open below her collar bone, revealing a bandage that wrapped all around her chest where the bullet wounds were. Her arms were connected to an IV and other machine which showed the beats of her heart.

"_Clarke_", he choked out.

The sight of her like this made him physically sick and he had to restrain himself from retching into the nearest available space. His mind couldn't reconcile the girl before him with the Clarke he knew. Something about Clarke had fascinated him from the very beginning - that fascination taking the form of aggravation at first, but quickly turning to awe and respect. She had always been so full of life, and the intensity of her stormy blue eyes challenged him everyday and made him weak.

She was the most beautiful and terrifying woman he'd ever met, but seeing her like this broke his heart. If there was one word he'd never use to describe Clarke Griffin, it was fragile, but seeing her lifeless and drained, he couldn't help but be scared to touch her - fearing she'd break.

There was a chair next to her bed so he sat down and slowly placed a tentative hand to her forehead. Her skin was ice cold, nothing like the warmth he'd felt the first time he'd held her in his arms. He ran his fingers along her brow and smoothed the pieces of blonde hair off of her face. The two of them had never been particularly physical, save for the one hug, their interactions had been limited to a few lingering touches. A part of him was shocked at how natural the motions came to him, as leaned up and pressed a kiss to the crown of her head - it felt like something he wish he'd done a thousand times before.

"Brave Princess," he whispered into the tangles of her hair.

He stayed like that for hours, whispering everything he wished he'd ever said to her, not knowing if she could hear any of it. Knowing he'd be ok if she never remembered it, as long as he could see her eyes flutter open again. He hummed to her any melody that came to mind, hoping it would bring her some kind of comfort. Hoping it would bring her home.

Eventually, his head came to rest down on the bed in the space where her neck met her shoulder. He felt his eyes drooping shut, unable to remain open any more. He entwined his hand with hers, tracing circles on the insides of her palms with his thumb over and over again. He felt himself drifting off to sleep against the steady rhythm of her rising and falling chest, but even when his consciousness left him, he never let go.

And so he held onto her all night, like a dying man holds onto his last breath.

* * *

**A/N : **This chapter was definitely the hardest for me to write so far. There was just something about the Lexa/Bellamy interaction that I couldn't get right, and even now I still don't know how I feel about how it turned out :/ Let me know if you have any thoughts about it or how the story is unfolding. I hope you guys enjoyed this update and I'll have more for you soon! :)

None of the characters are my own, they all belong to the CW.


	5. Chapter 5

**Warning: This chapter contains a major character death. **

* * *

_As I searched your flashing indigo eyes, it echoed true. That I loved you._

When she opened her eyes, Clarke took notice of two things. The first was that she felt like she'd been hit by a train - every nerve ending of her body screaming out in pain. She felt disoriented and weak and tried to lift her head just slightly to take in her surroundings, but even that small exertion made her collapse back onto the pillow in defeat. As her vision slowly adjusted through the grogginess, the second thing she realized was that she wasn't alone. Lying next to her on the hospital bed, his mess of brown curls tickling the bare skin of her shoulders, and his rough hand cradling hers, was Bellamy Blake.

She let out a gasp, but quickly closed her mouth, not wanting him to wake. Her eyes welled with tears of relief at the sight of him next to her, alive. Clarke's heart constricted, and suddenly the pain of being shot was nothing compared to the pain of seeing him again. From the angle she was resting she couldn't see his full face, but there was no mistaking that the gashes and bruises on his cheeks were fresh - injuries sustained in Mount Weather. Injuries he'd sustained because of her.

She'd come so close to losing him... again, and both times she had no one to blame but herself. She was responsible for closing the drop ship doors, and she was the only one responsible for sending him out there. She'd known the risk and sacrificed him anyway. But from the moment she'd heard his voice over that radio, her heart had been telling her something different.

No matter how many times he could tell her _it had to be done_, nor Lexa preach to her about the sacrifices they must make as leaders - Clarke couldn't shake the feeling that she had been wrong. As much as it pained her to admit it, there was no denying that when it came to Bellamy, things were different. She was different.

His life had never been worth the risk. It never would be.

She swallowed back sobs that had been building up inside her, and shut her eyes to try and regain her strength, when Octavia came through the curtains. Her eyes widened at the sight of her, and she opened her mouth to say something, but Clarke's gaze darted to Bellamy who was still knocked out, fast asleep. Octavia seemed to get the message and approached the bed more silently than before.

"Clarke?", she whispered. "I wasn't expecting you to be awake so soon, I guess I just wanted to check up on you two", she said turning her gaze towards her brother.

"I see he finally got some shut eye, thank God. He hasn't even stopped to breathe ever since he heard about you."

Clarke tried to shift her weight up the bed into more of a sitting position, but the pain in her side caused her wince out, and she felt Bellamy shift in his sleep at the noise. She bit back the pain and said, "Octavia, you saved my life… I… I don't even know how to thank you." This hadn't been the first time she'd owed her life to one of the Blake's, her debt to them was starting to rack up.

Octavia gave her a weak smile, "Well someone had to. But next time you'd make my job a hell of a lot easier if you avoided the whole getting shot thing, deal?"

She'd have laughed if she didn't think it would make her pass out again, so instead she just returned the smile. "Deal."

At the mention of Bellamy getting back, Clarke's mind immediately shifted to thoughts of her friends - wondering, hoping, that they had all made it out as well. They had to. She couldn't live with herself if after all this, after everything they'd been through, it would have all been for nothing.

"Octavia... the others.. are they? Did they make it out?"

Octavia's face softened, "Yeah they did Clarke. Everyone that was alive when the army got there, made it back. People are injured, but your mom's working on them."

Clarke exhaled a sigh of relief and she felt her the hand that wasn't clasped in Bellamy's begin to shake. With every breath she took she felt the weight that had been crushing her chest slowly ease. It wasn't gone - the responsibility of what she'd done, it would stay with her for the rest of her life, but the small comfort of knowing that her friends were alive was enough to dull it for now.

"Speaking of the others I should probably get out of here and let them know you're ok. They've been camped out in front of the doors ever since they got back, and I'm pretty sure Jackson's going to have an aneurysm if any of them pester him again."

"Thank you, Octavia… for everything." She knew that a simple thank you wasn't enough to fix anything between them, and it didn't even begin to cover what needed to be said, but in that moment it was all she could say.

Octavia took a step closer and placed a hand to her shoulder, "It's ok Clarke."

Clarke knew that this wasn't forgiveness, far from it. But hopefully it was a start.

Octavia turned to leave, but stopped and glanced at her brother one more time. "I thought you were going to die Clarke. You almost did. But you pulled through, so thank you."

Clarke raised an eyebrow, not entirely sure why she was being thanked.

"If you'd died, I... I don't think Bell would have survived it."

With that she left the room, leaving Clarke and Bellamy alone.

She stared down at the boy lying next to her, the weakest part of her not wanting him to wake up. She didn't know if she was ready to face him, if she was strong enough. Octavia had said he wouldn't have survived losing her, but Clarke knew the opposite was true. The war had made it more apparent than ever that she was the one who couldn't do this without him. She had made so many mistakes trying to do this alone - being a leader wasn't something she wanted. Not without him.

But that wasn't her decision to make anymore, it was all up to Bellamy. She dreaded the thought of the hate and disgust she would surely see in his eyes. And she couldn't blame him for it. It wasn't the fact that she could have killed him, that Bellamy wouldn't forgive... _no_, it was the fact that she could have let his sister die. And Clarke knew, that was unforgivable.

She felt something snap inside of her, and it was as if the pain she had been carrying in her heart since the moment Finn died, finally became too much. She felt the tears that had welled up in her eyes, cascade down her cheeks and down her neck without control. The sobs she'd been choking back, finally escape her. Tears for Finn, for Bellamy, for the Grounders - all mistakes that she had made, ones she would never be able to undo. She shut her eyes as the waves of emotion continued to coarse through her, her chest shaking so hard she would probably blow her stitches.

Clarke hadn't even realized the fact that Bellamy's hand was no longer holding her own. Instead it was resting on her cheek, his thumb wiping away at her tears as they continued to fall.

She opened up her eyes and saw him gazing back at her, with an expression she couldn't name.

"Bellamy", she gasped out between her sobs.

"Shhh, Clarke, it's ok," he whispered as his other hand brushed her hair out of her face. "It's ok, you're safe now. It's ok."

The sight of him comforting her, only made her heart break even more. She turned her cheek and pressed it further into his hand.

"I'm s-so sorry Bellamy, I'm so sorry."

She felt his body shift as he leaned across her to press his lips to her forehead. She stared up at him in shock, never expecting this from him, but she saw no awkwardness and no regret on his own features. He kissed her again and trailed his lips down until they were brushing her ear, sending a shiver down her spine.

Her ragged breaths muffled his voice, but she could have sworn she heard him say, "Don't be."

She stayed like that for what felt like hours, sobbing into his hand, but not once did he leave her side. Once her eyes had finally run dry, Clarke lifted her cheek from his palm and turned her head to the side, embarrassed at the breakdown she'd just had. She struggled for a moment to shift her position before giving up, when Bellamy placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Clarke, let me help you?"

She simply nodded and in an instant she felt one of his arms wrap around her knees, as he tentatively laced the other one around her back. He lifted her gently and hoisted her up into a half sitting position, but even under his careful touch, she still had to close her eyes against the blinding pain in her chest.

"You're in pain."

She grit her teeth and sucked in some air sharply, "I'm fine."

Bellamy furrowed his brow, "Don't be stupid Clarke, I'm going to get your mom."

He stared at her for a second longer, but before he could go, she grabbed his hand and shouted, "Bellamy, wait!"

He laced her fingers with his again, the way he had before, and she found herself pinned beneath his gaze. All of a sudden Clarke felt vulnerable, as his eyes searched hers. What they were looking for she didn't know. She wasn't used to him staring at her like that and she felt heat rising up to her cheeks. She pulled herself together and stared back into his eyes, hoping he would be able to see the truth in them.

The truth that she was sorry. The truth that the pain of losing him would have been worse than any bullet. The truth that somewhere within the mangled remains of her heart, she loved him, and couldn't imagine life without him.

"I was wrong Bellamy, about everything." She shook her head as she felt another tear trail down her face. "It wasn't worth the risk."

He closed the space between them, turning her chin so that she couldn't avoid his eyes.

"Look at me, Clarke. Yes it was… it had to be done. We had to save our people."

He was just trying to make her feel better. "That doesn't mean I had to risk losing you in the process."

His eyes softened, "We needed an inside man Clarke, you know the plan wouldn't have worked otherwise. It was worth it."

She bowed her head and whispered what she wasn't ready to say any other way, "Not for me. Losing you... it will _never_ be worth it for me."

She only barely noticed the look of surprise on his face before she felt his lips press to her forehead and break into a smile as he said, "whatever you say, Princess."

* * *

Bellamy didn't want to leave Clarke, but he knew she was in pain. Clarke was strong, but even she couldn't just brush off being shot like it was nothing. After finding Abby, he left the med station - thinking that he would give the two Griffin's some privacy, but he still wasn't going far.

He got back to the hall where half the kids were sleeping on top of each other - the exhaustion having hit them just as hard as it'd hit him. He saw Raven asleep on Wick's shoulder, her hand entwined with his. Jasper and Monty, on the other hand, were wide awake, still waiting for the moment when they could go in and see Clarke.

Bellamy sat down next to Octavia and bowed his head in his hands, as his mind ran over everything that had happened within the past few hours. The two sat in silence as they watched their friends come and go from the medical wing, his heart warming at the sight of them coming out from seeing her with smiles on their faces. The tension and anxiety in the air was gone, and everyone was breathing easier knowing that she was awake.

While Jasper and Monty were inside Octavia finally broke the silence.

"So. What happens now?"

"What do you mean?"

Octavia let out a sigh of exasperation, "With you and Clarke. What, are you two just going to go back to leading together like nothing's happened."

"I don't know what you're talking about, obviously things are going to change. We're at Camp now... we're not in charge anymore - that's the adult's job, remember?", he said grimly, the thought of the council making his blood boil.

"Oh bullshit Bellamy, you know as well as I do the only people the kids are going to listen to are you and Clarke. Everyone knows you're the ones in charge, but I'm not talking about that."

"Then what?" he asked more sharply than he'd intended.

"I'm talking about you and Clarke. Together. Are you just going to pretend that nothing has changed between you two since before you left for Mount Weather?"

Octavia's voice softened, "You care about her Bell, I know you do. And she cares about you too."

Bellamy sighed, "It doesn't matter what I feel Octavia, we just came out of a war. There's no place for feelings like that at a time like this."

Octavia slapped him on the shoulder, "I knew it! I knew you cared! When I saw you two hug I had my suspicions, but thank God you finally admitted it!"

Bellamy growled, "would you keep your voice down?"

Octavia beamed from ear to ear, "You have to tell her, Bellamy."

He sighed, "It's not that simple O, you know that."

"Why not?"

There was no simple answer to that question. Bellamy wasn't sure when he knew he loved Clarke Griffin, but at this point there was no more use denying it was true. But things between them were more complicated than that.

"She's Clarke… we need each other to survive, but that doesn't mean anything other than a partnership can happen between us. And besides, we've both done things… awful things. I don't know if we can move past that."

A shadow seemed to cast itself across Octavia's face, "Are you talking about the missile?"

Bellamy swallowed and looked into his sister's eyes, the fear he'd felt the moment he heard she was in Tondc taking over him once again. "You could have died Octavia… I don't know what I would have done if that happened."

"But I didn't, Bellamy."

He shook his head, "Still… I -

"What would you have done?"

He snapped his head to face the voice posing the question. Raven had apparently woken up and been eavesdropping on the entire conversation.

"Excuse me?"

Raven fixed him with a ruthless look, "I just asked, what would you have done? If you were in that position, knowing that Clarke was in Mount Weather?"

Bellamy closed his eyes. He'd been avoiding asking himself that same question, not sure he wanted to face the answer. But now, being asked point blank, he knew he couldn't hide from the truth any longer.

The truth of the matter was, was that he would do anything for her. To protect her. That much had always been true. As much as the thought of killing all those people made his stomach churn, he knew that if it had meant protecting Clarke… he would have made the sacrifice. Just like he'd been the cause of the deaths of the 300 people on the Ark, to protect Octavia. He hadn't been strong enough to risk losing his sister then, and deep down a part of him knew that when it came to Clarke, he was just as weak.

He knew exactly why he would have made that decision, when it came to her. What he hadn't been prepared for, was the fact that she had been willing to go to the same lengths to save him.

He let out a sigh and ran his hand through his hair.

Raven nodded, "There's your answer."

* * *

Hours later, the hallway had emptied and Jasper and Monty finally walked out of the doors, but the looks on their faces made Bellamy's stomach drop. There were tears coming down Jasper's face and Monty was patting his friend's back, guiding him out past the hall.

_Clarke_

In a flash, Bellamy was on his feet, running back towards her. He ripped through the curtains,

"Clarke!"

Abby was hunched over her daughters body, but when she turned around, her face wasn't contorted with grief like he'd been expecting.

"Ah Bellamy, I was wondering when you'd be back."

Stepping closer, he saw that Clarke was in the exact same position he'd left her, still awake, only looking more tired than before. She quirked an eyebrow up as she stared at him, "Bellamy? What's wrong?" The realization that she was fine dawned on him, and suddenly he couldn't help but feel stupid for barging in like a mad man.

"Nothing, nothing I just thought you…", he was spared from continuing when Abby interrupted him.

"I'll leave you two alone. Clarke, if you need anything just shout, or get Bellamy to come and find me. You should feel the side effects of the medication starting to kick in soon so try to get some rest. You might feel ok now, but you're not out of the woods yet. You've still be shot, try to remember that. I'll be here if you need anything." Clarke's mother reached her hand to caress her daughter's face, but decided against it. The relationship between the two still tense. She settled for placing a hand on her shoulder before quitting the room.

Bellamy let out a cough, "So, are you feeling better?" and moved closer to sit himself down in the chair next to her side.

Clarke smiled at him weakly, "Yea I am. But that's probably just the pain meds talking."

Bellamy smirked, "Bullet wounds, huh? Nothing a little morphine can't fix."

She smiled again momentarily before her face returned to it's usual serious expression.

She let out a sigh, "You saw Jasper and Monty didn't you, that's why you came running in here?"

He didn't know why he was still surprised at the fact that she'd been able to read his thoughts so easily. Every time they spoke, it was like those blue eyes of her were seeing straight into the very depths of his soul. He couldn't hide anything from her, and he found himself wondering, where along the road Clarke Griffin came to know him better than he knew himself?

"Yea I did. I thought something had happened to you. I guess I just assumed the worst."

She smiled weakly, "You have a habit of doing that."

"Can you blame me?"

He saw her eyes droop downwards, suddenly becoming very interested with her hands. "No.. I can't". She took a deep breath before continuing, "I told them about Finn."

His heart broke for her, knowing how difficult that must have been, "I'm sorry."

"They asked, so I had to tell them the truth. It's better that they know… it'll give them a chance to move on." She sounded more like she was trying to convince herself than him.

There was nothing to say to that, no words of comfort he could give her. All he wanted to do was reach out and hold her in his arms, hold her until he could take all of that pain away. Clarke was the one who broke the silence, her voice hoarse and just above a whisper, "Why are you here, Bellamy?"

Because this is the only place he wanted to be. The only place where he didn't go insane thinking about her.

"Do you want me to leave?"

Clarke shook her head, "No that's the last thing I want… but I just don't understand."

She tore her gaze from her hands and looked up to face him, "You should hate me."

And she should hate him, but she didn't, just like he felt the exact opposite of hatred towards her.

"I knew about the missile, I _knew_ and I still let all those people die. They were innocent, Bellamy, and I was the one who… Octavia could have... I let it happen, and I know there's nothing I'll ever be able to say or do to change that. I deserve this… getting shot. I deserve so much more for what I did to them… I'm a monster."

He saw her eyes well up with tears, and her voice break, becoming shakier and shakier. He couldn't bear to hear this anymore, he couldn't bear to see this level of self loathing, not coming from her. Before he knew what he was doing, he closed the distance between them and pressed his lips to hers.

She stilled beneath him, and all at once Bellamy decided he should pull back. What the hell was he thinking? But just as quickly as she'd stilled, her lips moved beneath his, and he felt her hand reach up behind his neck, bringing him closer than before. Her mouth opened beneath his lips, and she brought her tongue to graze against his. Bellamy could't stop himself from letting out a moan. She tasted like everything he had ever imagine and more, her lips soft and warm beneath his. He kissed her with everything he had, and poured every last bit of love he felt for her, into that moment. Her hands were knotted into his hair, and he brought his own hands to cradle her jaw and angle her mouth even closer to him.

They kissed until both of them had to break apart for breath. He was panting, and he felt like his heart would beat right out of his chest. He gazed at her, lost in those deep blue eyes that were already engrained into his memory. He'd fallen for those eyes, for their strength, their wisdom, and their beauty. He was powerless before them, and he couldn't tear his gaze away. Away from the girl he loved.

"You are not a monster Clarke. Everything you've done, I've done the same. Any blood that's on your hands… it's on mine too. We're the same. We're not perfect, but that's not who we're supposed to be. That's not who I want you to be."

He leaned in and pressed another kiss to her lips, softly this time, then up along her jaw before resting against her ear.

"I don't hate you Clarke.. I never will."

"Bellamy… I… I'm not," she said breathlessly. Even if she couldn't find the words, Bellamy still knew what she was trying to say. All he wanted to do was pull her into his arms and kiss her again, kiss away every ounce of pain, but he knew it was too soon, and he wanted to do this right. They were together now, and that's all that mattered. They would have all the time in the world to figure out how to love amidst the chaos... this was only the beginning. He would wait as long as it took.

"It's ok Clarke, I understand. But just so you know, when you are ready, I'm still going to be right here. But until then, at least now I have an effective way of shutting you up. Damn, I wish I'd tried that sooner, could have saved ourselves a lot of fights, don't you think Princess?"

She smiled at him and punched his arm, "Shut up", she mumbled as she buried her face into his neck.

She scooted over, making space for him on the bed. He climbed in and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, bringing her to lie against his chest. He saw her eyes flutter shut, her breathing starting to even. He was about to close his own eyes, when she squeezed his hand and looked back up at him.

"Thank you Bellamy… for saving them."

He smiled, a true smile, for what felt like the first time in ages. "_We_ saved them, Clarke."

She turned her face back into his chest, and before his own exhaustion took him he whispered against her hair, "and, Princess, just for the record… I can't lose you either."

He felt her smile against his chest, and soon they both fell asleep, entwined in each other's arms. For a moment the world made sense, and Bellamy dreamed of a life where they would all be ok.

But this was Earth. And he'd been foolish to dream. Lexa was right, not even his arms could save her from death.

* * *

Bellamy jerked awake, the nightmare he'd just had leaving him panicked and drenched in sweat. It was the Mountain again, the cages, the gunshots, the fire. The memories that would haunt him forever. His breaths were ragged, but as he looked down and saw Clarke lying next to him, his heart rate slowly returned to normal. He was going to shut his eyes and try to fall back asleep, but he decided to turn her head slightly away from his chest, not wanting her to wake up against his sweat the next day.

As his hand grazed her cheek, his blood suddenly ran cold. Her face was frozen, and her body completely still - the rise and fall of her chest imperceptible.

_No_, he thought. This wasn't happening.

"_Clarke_?", he whispered.

But there was no answer.

She's just asleep, she has to just be asleep. He trailed his hand down her arm and brought his fingers to rest against her wrist to search for her pulse, but all he could feel was cold.

He got out of the bed and started shaking her frantically.

"Clarke! Clarke! Wake up! Wake up! Please, _please_ wake up!"

He was sobbing and yelling, and his hands gripped her tighter and tighter, but her eyes stayed closed.

"No! Clarke! _No_!"

He didn't register the mass of people that ran into the room. He didn't hear Abby's shouts, mingling with his own as she tried to reach her daughter. He didn't feel someone's arms circle around his chest, ripping him away from her limp body. He didn't feel Octavia holding him back. He didn't feel himself collapse to the ground. He didn't feel anything.

All he saw was his world crumble around him.

And all he could was scream.

* * *

**A/N : **Sorry this chapter took me longer to update... school really kicked my ass this week, and this wasn't something I wanted to rush.

This chapter was so painful for me to write... for reasons that are pretty obvious I think. I hope you don't all hate me too much... but I will say that this isn't the end of the story, so I hope you'll all stick around to the end. Thanks so much again to everyone for reading and reviewing :) I appreciate you all and really love hearing all of your feelings and thoughts, and it just makes me want to keep going even more.

Again, none of these characters are my own, they all belong to the CW.


	6. Chapter 6

_If you give love and live long, then you'll never be alone_

They told him it had been a blood clot. It happened while she was sleeping. It happened in his arms. One second she was breathing, living, life flowing through her veins. And then the next,

she was gone.

* * *

They sedated him. He didn't know who. It was the only thing they could do to stop the screams. But they didn't stop, they never did. Even if his voice made no sound, he screamed on the inside. They tore through his mind, through his body, and they tore through his heart.

He'd lay in medical for three days. Staring, sleeping, staring… Every time he closed his eyes he saw her again. He saw her lying limp in his arms. He saw her face, pale and cold. But worst of all he saw her eyes.. closed. And no matter how hard he tried, how desperately he wished, bargained, begged... he could never get them to open again.

In his sleep, all he dreamt were nightmares. So he decided not to dream. But wide awake, in the light of day, life was a nightmare, too.

And so, a part of him, decided not to live.

* * *

They held her funeral three days after she'd died. There'd been nothing to build a casket out of, so instead they lay her body atop a wooden bed. The grounders had made it, 'a gift' they said, to show their respects. They carried her from the Ark to the drop ship, the weight of the wood on his shoulders nothing compared to the weight in his heart, as both Sky People and Grounders alike followed behind.

Octavia had woven some flowers into her mass of blonde hair and had traced an intricate design in war paint across her head. Some said she looked like a Princess, some said she looked like a Commander, but all Bellamy saw through the tears that blurred his vision, was Clarke. The girl he'd loved too much. The girl he'd lost too soon.

Songs were sung and words were said. They spoke of her courage, they spoke of her bravery, and they spoke of her heart, but Bellamy didn't say anything at all. He stood in silence and he watched as they lowered her into the ground, into the space next to Wells. He watched as they covered her body with dirt, pile by pile. He watched until there was nothing left of her to see.

The crowd had dispersed slowly. Flowers were left, and condolences were exchanged. Abby remained hunched over by her daughter's grave, sobbing and shaking, until it all became too much. It was only then that Kane wrapped her in his arms, and carried her away. But Bellamy remained. He stood a few meters back, standing, and staring in silence. A part of him felt like he should say something, but his mind couldn't formulate a single word.

He hadn't left to go back with the others, he hadn't been ready to. How was he supposed to move on from this? How was he supposed to go back, when he didn't have anything, _anyone_, to go back to.

Octavia had walked up beside him and squeezed his arm, her voice laced with pity. "Come on Bell, it's time to go home."

He didn't want to go, he didn't want to stay. But most of all he didn't want to live with the unshakeable feeling that now, he was alone. He turned to face her, then looked back towards the drop ship, before resting his gaze back at the grave.

"I have no home."

* * *

Three weeks had passed since the funeral. Bellamy had tried his best to make himself useful around Camp, having something to work on took his mind off of everything else. Lexa had sent for him twice, requesting his presence to "discuss the political situation" between the two, but he'd turned his back on both of the messengers, telling them exactly where they could stick it.

During the day he would go on guard duty, stand by the fence with Jasper in silence, or go on scouting trips with Miller and the other guards. As long as he was moving - his eyes scanning the scene, or his footsteps running through the forest, he could he keep the pain at bay. The numbness he'd felt at Clarke's funeral had left, leaving behind an agonizing ache that refused to lift, that only worsened when he stopped. When he let the thoughts and the memories flood in.

There was nothing he could do to stop them, he'd be sitting at dinner, laying in his bed, and his head would instinctively jerk to the side, expecting to see her blonde hair next to him. Her indigo eyes piercing into his own. But then his vision would clear, and she'd be gone, and he would be alone, again.

Night fell on the camp, and he knew that soon he'd be relieved from his post. This time it was Lincoln who came to take his place. The two hadn't spoken much since Tondc, he hadn't spoken much to anyone since the funeral. He could see the apprehension in their eyes, the way they walked on glass around him. He knew how he must look to them, tired eyes - bruised and lined from the lack of sleep. Like a dead man walking. He tried to make things easier for them, by making himself scarce. He knew he wasn't easy to be around now, not with everything raging on inside of him.

Everything seemed to put him on edge. Just this morning he hadn't been able to stop himself from snapping at Raven, when all she did was suggest he get some rest. Or brushing Octavia off when she asked if he wanted to talk. Eventually they just left him to his own, and when they did approach him, Bellamy could see the pity in their eyes. The way their mouths opened and closed, trying to find the right words to say.

He hated himself for it, for the way they pitied him. This shouldn't be so hard, he thought. He should be able to pick himself up again, be the person they depended on, the one they needed. But he didn't know how to do that yet. He didn't know how to be around his people again, when everyday he was struggling to even know how to live with himself.

He quickly realized that as he'd been spacing out, Lincoln had come through the gates and was just standing next to him in silence. Waiting. Bellamy twitched his head slightly to the side, to acknowledge the fact that he knew he was there.

"You can go now, Bellamy."

He simply nodded his head and turned to leave, staring back at the forest one last time. He had already taken some steps forward when Lincoln called him again, "Bellamy, wait…"

"What?" He asked more gruffly than he'd intended.

"My people are going on patrol tonight, out near the drop ship. I just thought you should know."

Bellamy felt his blood run cold, and his fists clench at his side. "I don't know what you're talking about", he said through gritted teeth.

Lincoln's gaze didn't falter, "I think you do. Be smart."

With that the Grounder turned to face the woods, and Bellamy stood stunned before marching back to Camp.

He didn't know how Lincoln knew. No one had seen him, he'd been sure of it. He was careful to leave in the dead of night, and come back before dawn.

He walked into the male sleeping quarters that had been set aside for him and the others and went to his bunk. He tread silently, trying not to disturb the other boys who were asleep. He grabbed his pack from below the bed, and set out again.

He snuck out the side, through the gap in the fence, staying low and silent. As soon as he was out of view his pace quickened, and his step fell into a rhythmic run. In. Out. In. Out. His breaths coming out in even gasps. He ran and ran, not paying notice to his surroundings. Even in the dead of night he knew the way, he'd taken this path so many times before. The path that led to her.

As he crossed through the threshold of their old camp, Bellamy keeled over. The burning in his chest and legs finally getting the better of him. He waited like that, crouched over, until his heart rate began to steady. He stood back up straight, and walked through the old camp, past the sign, past the drop ship, until he reached what he'd came for.

He'd been coming to see her every night since the funeral. He knew it wasn't healthy, and he knew it certainly didn't help anything. It didn't quell the anger he felt, or the grief or the pain. But here, deep in the woods, was the only place he found some semblance of peace.

He sat down on the earth next to her, leaning his back against the tree the way he had the night she'd saved him from Dax. The night she'd saved him from himself. He winced at the memory, and a fresh wave of pain crashing through his body. Bellamy reached into his pack, and took out the bottle of alcohol he'd snuck from the reserves. He unscrewed it, leaned his head back and took a drink. It burned at his throat, but with every drop he felt the pain in his chest subside, lessening and lessening, until he didn't feel anything anymore. He saw the world around him blur, as he slipped into oblivion, into darkness, and into the nightmares once more.

* * *

The light was stinging his eyes, everything was too bright - the colours too vivid. He shielded his eyes with his hand, as he tried to take in the scene around him. He was inside the drop ship, light seeping in through the curtained door, but something else caught his eye. He also wasn't alone. He could just barely make out the outline of a girl, standing in the shadows just a few feet away.

"Clarke?", he choked out, as he tried to stand. She took a step closer to him, and he blinked hard and rubbed at his eyes, making sure what he was seeing was actually real. He crossed the space between them in less then a second, and crushed her body to his. He enveloped her in his arms, and a part of him was worried he was causing her pain, but he felt her own arms circle around his neck, gripping him as tight as she could.

"_Clarke_", he breathed into her neck, never wanting to let her go.

"Hey, Bell" he felt, more than heard her say.

But it was that one word, that made him still. She'd never called him that, not in reality, only in his dreams. Dreams that now felt like a lifetime away. His arms went limp around her, and he dropped them to his sides, shaking his head and taking a step back. It was as if his senses were finally catching up with him.

This wasn't reality, of course it wasn't. He'd been stupid to even think… But he'd never dreamt her alive before, not since that night. In his nightmares, it had always been that night - her lying dead and cold in his arms. He'd thought that was the worse kind of pain imaginable, but this, this was a thousand times worse. This took his breath away. This was _cruel_. Seeing her like this, holding her, knowing that the moment he woke up she'd just be torn away from him all over again.

"No", he shouted. "No I don't want this! I don't want to see this!" He raised his arms to his hair, tugging at the strands - hoping that physical pain would be enough to wake him up. He yelled at himself, "Wake up, God, just please let me wake up!"

"I'm pretty sure that's not how drinking yourself into oblivion works." Clarke said, with her arms crossed, staring at him with raised brows and judgement in her voice.

Bellamy glared at her, "Oh right, because you know all about how _this", _he said waving his hands in a circle around them, "works, don't you Princess?"

Clarke glared at him right back, and began walking towards him, slow and threatening.

"I might not know what this is, but what I do know is that you coming here and drinking yourself to death every night isn't helping anyone. It isn't helping you."

She was so close now that Bellamy had to bow his head down to look her in the eye.

"What the hell do you care about what helps me or not?"

"Because I'm not going to let you do this to yourself any longer."

Bellamy wasn't sure where this anger had come from, and why all of a sudden he was finding it so damn hard to control.

"Yeah well in case you've forgotten, I don't take orders from you."

Her eyes cut into him like steel, staring into the very depths of his soul, "We both know that isn't true."

He shut his eyes, unable to look at her any longer. She was right, of course she was. He'd always been powerless before her, and he would have done anything in the world to protect her. But that hadn't been enough, and she'd left him anyways. She'd left him to deal with everything all alone. So what right did she have to tell him what to do anymore.

His fists clenched at his side, "_I hate you_", he breathed out, not trusting himself to remain composed enough to say anything else.

"No you don't", she said, her voice defiant and strong.

He sighed, "I want to. I want to so much." It would make this so much easier, if he hated her, if he had never loved her. If she'd always remained the spoiled Ark royalty, he'd made her out to be in his head. But she'd torn that image down before he could stop her, before he could protect himself from the storm she was about to bring into his life, but none of that mattered now.

"You left me," he whispered. "You left me all alone."

"_Bellamy_", she said, her voice beckoning him to look at her. He remained resolute, keeping his eyes shut and head bowed. It wasn't until he felt her fingers brush his jaw and curl around his chin, sending a shiver down his spine, that made him finally bring his tired eyes to meet her beautiful ones.

She reached up on her toes, circling her arms around his neck and looked into his eyes, then down at his lips before finally pressing them to his. The kiss was soft, slow, and he took his time memorizing this feeling. He traced his hands down her spine, feeling her shiver beneath his fingertips, before gripping her waist and bringing her closer to him, pressing his chest to hers. He moved his lips so he was trailing kisses down her jaw, peppering them along her neck. He heard her breath hitch, and she laced her hands into his hair, bringing his mouth down to hers once again and kissing him hungrily. He felt her teeth graze his lip and he was unable to stifle a moan.

He could have stayed like that for the rest of his life, standing in the empty drop ship kissing her with everything he had, but after what felt like hours they finally pulled away, both their breaths coming out in erratic gasps. He held her close and pressed a kiss to the crown of her head,

"I love you", he whispered, against the softness of her hair.

He thought he heard a sob escape her lips, so he traced a finger along her cheek, wiping it away. She pulled back from him, just so slightly. Just enough so she was staring right back at him. He moved his eyes so they scanned over her every feature, engraving them into his memory and into his heart.

"I know."

She leaned in and rested her head against his chest. She said she knew, but Bellamy knew it couldn't have been true. He'd never told her, he should have told her. He should have told her the moment she crashed into his arms the day they'd been reunited. That had been the first time he'd ever held her, but even then, he should never have let her go.

He shook his head, "I should have told you, Clarke. I'm so sorry. I should have told you from the moment I knew." He should have told her so much.

She moved back again, grazing her hand across his cheek, "I knew Bellamy. I knew because I felt it to. Or felt as close to it as I'd ever been able to in my entire life. So don't apologize to me, and don't blame yourself. There was nothing you could have done to stop this. The earth was a stage, and we were just the players. Our time here wasn't something we ever could have controlled, we knew that from the start."

Bellamy smiled down at her, "I wouldn't have pegged you for a Shakespeare fan, Princess. Bit cliche, don't you think?"

"If it's so cliche, then why can you recognize it, huh Blake? Oh don't tell me, you were secretly a theatre enthusiast, weren't you?"

Bellamy felt heat rise up in his cheeks, "Shut up." he mumbled, focusing his gaze to the ground.

"No!", Clarke gasped in sheer triumph, "I'm right aren't I?"

He leaned his head back against the drop ship wall and let out a groan, "Fine, I may have reenacted some scenes with my mom to keep O entertained, are you satisfied now?"

She let out a laugh, a real true laugh, the kind that made it impossible to keep the frown on his face from turning into a smile of his own.

"You're just full of surprises, aren't you?"

Bellamy smirked, "You mean beneath my infectious charm and rugged exterior? Yeah, I suppose I've got my fair share of secrets."

Clarke rolled her eyes at him, before becoming serious once more, gazing up at him with an expression somewhere between awe and desperation.

"I want to hear them, all of them, _please_?"

He let out a laugh and kissed her head once more, "Whatever you say, Princess."

* * *

They stayed like that for hours, their backs pressed up against the wall of the drop ship, Clarke's legs folded over his lap. They shared every single story they'd never had time to before. Every ridiculous attempt to sneak out past curfew, and every tragedy that they'd both faced in their respective lives. The death of his mother, the loss of her father, and every smile and tear in between.

And in those moments, with her in his arms, Bellamy felt happy. But lurking in the shadows, there was the truth that this couldn't last. That this was all a dream. But for the first time since her death, he didn't want to wake up.

They were laying in silence, Clarke's head resting on his chest as he ran his fingers through her hair, when he finally said what he'd been thinking from the moment they kissed.

"What if I stayed here?"

She moved herself off his chest, so that she was starting at him with questioning eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"What if I didn't wake up, what if I just stayed here with you?"

He saw pain flash through her eyes, "Bellamy that would be killing yourself, you know it doesn't work like that."

"Why not?" he begged, fully aware of how crazy he sounded. "We could be happy here, it would be like before…".

"Before I died." Her voice was stone cold, sending daggers into his heart.

"Don't say that, I don't want to hear that."

She huffed out in exasperation, "Bellamy, you can't deny it. It's the truth, it's what happened. You can't just go on living like this! Pretending that the world isn't moving on! You have people who need you, people who want to help you, be there for you, but you can't just keep doing this to yourself, and pushing them away!"

"I _can't_ move on Clarke!"

She sat still, not even flinching at his outburst.

"I can't move one, because I don't know how to live without you. I don't know how to move, how to think, how to make any god damn decision without you. Everything I did, it was for you."

"Bellamy," she said softly, "It wasn't just for me. It was for your people. They're the ones who need you now, the people you brought home. You've already done everything you could have for me."

He shook his head, tears threatening to stream down his face.

"They were _our_ people, not mine. They're not my people without you, Clarke. You were my home. I don't have a home without you."

"You'll always have a home, Bellamy. And you will never be alone. And do you know, why? Because people out there love you. Your sister, Jasper, Monty, Miller, everyone else who you fought for - they _love_ you, and they would do anything for you. And despite everything that's happened, I know you would still do anything for them."

He gazed into her eyes, "I would have done anything for you."

She sighed and took his hand in hers, "Then do this for me."

"Do what?"

"_Live_. Live life with everything you've got, and don't ever look back. Because I'll never be behind you - I will always be beside you. Live and fight, so that everything we built and everything we did, will count for something."

He bowed his head in defeat, and she leaned in and kissed him once more. Quick and desperate. Her lips tasting like goodbye.

"Ok", he whispered. "Ok. Ok, _Ok_…"

* * *

"Ok? Bellamy! Are you ok? Bellamy!"

Bellamy felt water splash his face, forcing him to open his eyes, his back aching, from being against the tree all night.

Octavia was shaking him awake, holding an empty water canister in her hand.

"Finally! Bellamy what the hell happened to you? Lincoln told me you were coming here, at night, alone. What the hell were you thinking?"

Bellamy straightened himself up, brushing the ground off of his legs.

"I wasn't thinking, O. I'm sorry."

He didn't know if anything that'd just happened had been real. If it was a ghost, a hallucination, or just a lucky dream. He didn't know what it was, but he knew what it meant. As he stood and looked around, he felt a throbbing pain in his head, but when his gaze came to rest upon her grave, he found that the pain in his chest had eased.

It was still there, of course it was. It would always be. She had left a space within him, one that he would never be able to fill, but Bellamy knew that was ok. People could live with cuts and scrapes. They could live with holes and gashes. It didn't matter how broken or how bruised their hearts could be, what mattered was, and he knew this now… what mattered was - they _lived_.

"You stink by the way, God did you drink all of Monty's moonshine or something?" She questioned, chastising him with her brows furrowed and arms crossed.

Bellamy laughed, for the first time in weeks, causing Octavia's mouth to fall agape.

"Close. I decided to relieve Kane of some of his stash."

His sister smiled up at him, and punched him lightly on the arm. "Nicely done, big brother, nicely done."

He put an arm around her shoulder, and hugged her close.

"I missed you, Bell."

He closed his eyes, and in his mind he saw Clarke. Smiling at him. Happy tears glistening in those unforgettable, indigo eyes.

"Come on, O. Let's go home."

_If you give love and live long, you you'll always have a home._

The End

* * *

**A/N: **Well, that's it, we finally made it to the end. I want to thank everyone who favourited, followed, and left any kind of review on this story. This was my first time writing a fanfiction of this length, and your feedback and support meant the absolute world to me :)

For anyone who's actually interested, I thought I'd just share a few of the thoughts I had about the story, and why I chose to write it this way (even though it brought me, and you, plenty of pain). This final scene with Bellamy's dream/vision of Clarke, was actually the first one I wrote. It was the scene that popped into my head when I first heard the song _Indigo Home_ by Roo Panes (it's lyrics were the ones I put at the beginning of each chapter), so I really wanted to base the entire story from that point. As I started writing the earlier parts though, trust me, I was definitely tempted to shake off my initial instinct and just write a happy ending, but sometimes life doesn't work like that, and in the end I stuck to my gut. I know this ending wasn't necessarily a happy one, it was never meant to be. I tried to write it as something a bit more bittersweet, a sign that even though things are hard now, happier days can come in the future.

So thanks again everyone! I'd love to hear your thoughts on how it all wrapped up, and I hope you'll stick around to see what I come up with in the future. I have a few ideas for stories circling in my head, all of them a lot less dark than this one :)

And hopefully we all survive the finale this week.


End file.
